Archive for the ‘Random Thoughts’ Category

Oh well…

Posted: June 6, 2012 in Random Thoughts

Seriously… feelings… Drat, drat, double drat… I think I understand Sheldon Cooper (From the Big Bang Theory).

This feeling roller coaster cannot be healthy… swinging from Love to rage all in one day…

I just needed to complain dear reader… again… I hope you are as stable as a pillar for this sort of thing.

x

“Never mind I’ll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you. Sometimes in life and love it last but sometimes it hurts instead…”(Adele)

This song always makes me cry,  you know… I think it’s because I really don’t know what it means.

I mean, yes, of course, I know what it means, but I don’t know what IT means. For some bizare reason I’ve never regreted when I’ve lost or left love, probably because I’ve always believed that it was meant to be . If it didn’t work it wasn’t supposed work out …

But now, at this very moment when I am on the edge of closing yet another door I keep wondering… how do you know if something is meant to be or not?

I really don’t know.

I’ve always been a bit of a romantic (not a foolish, unrealist romantic, I might add)… but I think I’ve never really been in love. And it makes me quite sad to think about it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved, a great deal, in fact, but at some point I’ve always been so disapointed with the guy next to me I’ve just said… “Look… this is just not going to work out.”

Am I a defeatist? I don’t know. But it is sad.  I’ve always thought love was simple and straight forward. And it’s not a question of there being fights or no fights (strangely enough I haven’t had many of those) it’s just either the feeling the other person is just not that interested or that you are not as interested as he is. And it is sad. Very sad. Because I just keep wondering if it’s always going to be this way.

I don’t know. But I do care.

Dear reader, does this ever happen to you? Do you feel like you just don’t find someone who is your perfect fit and you’re their perfect fit?

Oh well, faint heart never won anything I suppose. But it’s just that one thing that’s missing… and it’s not because of social upbringing, or any other rubbish like that… It’s just the feeling that the only thing I’ve always ever wanted seems to be in a distant horizon and no matter how much I walk it never seems to get any closer.

For some reason (probably my romantic side vs common sense) I’ve always thought that love is like cereal. Or toast. It’s something you love having every day. It’s not something you’ll throw a party for every day but you really do miss it when you can’t have it. (Not like creme brulee, for example, which is wonderfull and you will be overjoyed to have it  but if you eat it for three days straight you will be sick of it…)

Again, I don’t know. I suppose patience is in order.

But while we are sitting here waiting, dear reader, please do tell me… does this happen to you to?

Honeste vivere, naeminem laedere et jus sum cuique tribuere. (Ulpian)

Those were the words my professor quoted when I passed my last exam & I officially qualified as a lawyer.

After getting over the first shock of realizing I can actually take people to court, I started going over Ulpian’s words:

“To live honorably, to harm no one, to give to each his own.”

Even though they are meant for lawyers and judges, I honestly believe they are a very good piece of advice for everyone. It is, if I may, the best advice to live in peace and harmony.

Take the phrase “To live honorably” for instance. What does it mean?

Honor… it seems such an old-fashioned word, doesn’t it? Some people may even consider it as quaint and of doubtful political correctness. However, if you think of it as a socially irreproachable conduct, that is to say, a sociable and useful attitude towards the world, it is actually quite practical both for the subject and society in general.

“to harm no one”

Well, that’s just plain common sense. There is nothing as unpractical as a vendetta, it causes perpetual fear and it stops society from evolving. The real rule for survival is “try not to get killed”, so basically, be nice and play fair or you will live in constant fear.

Fear is a greater evil than hunger or disease… people do terrible things moved by fear… and they permit a lot more in trying to avoid it… The person who controls the masses fears controls the masses.

” to give to each his own”

Common sense once again. If it isn’t yours leave it alone! Do not pick a fight with people just because! It is not the same thing to ask for something than to take it for granted. And if you don’t believe me try to “borrow” a tin of tuna off your flat-mate without asking and you will see what I mean.

Hence, common sense is back. Living peacefully is easier for the world ergo in fear and torment it is a lot easier to control.

Honeste vivere, naeminem laedere et jus sum cuique tribuere… Ulpian was talking about common sense… yet we still seem to have trouble finding it nearly 18 centuries afterwords…

Why you may ask? I honestly cannot say. Maybe it is a question of interests or maybe common sense is the least common of senses. Be that as it may, as learning is the path to knowledge and happiness, I will cherish Ulpian’s words, as I am sure my tutor intended me to do when he quoted them.

The bottom line is… as I take my first steps down this new path I realize all the journey is just about  trying to be happy :-)))

Ok, so I have to admit and I sincerely hope that my parents do not read this, because if not they will say those dreaded words every daughter in the world hates to hear: “I told you so”… I am stressed out.

The other day, as I was walking back home in the drenching rain, muttering about how much I detest coaches (I honestly do, I much prefer trains… and they are better for the environment!!!) and thinking of the mad workload of this week (for one we have to find out how on earth the MOOT team is going to get to Hong Kong and back…among other things accounts of which I will not bore you with) I finally realized, life, is a constant yet in a “sadomasochistic” way very pleasant, battle. It is quite possible that it was stress who was speaking for me, as I cannot see it so terribly dramatic right now, still… it is due to this stress I have finally realized what the ultimate metaphor for life is…Life is like living at the bottom of a cliff.

When you are small, your parents give you as much as they can, the best equipment they can, so you can climb up the cliff side. Some have top gear, some don’t, and those who don’t do their best to improve it or steal it from another person before attempting to climb.

Then you have to through the hook, and it takes several attempts before you actually manage to take a firm grip. Climbing isn’t easy, and you don’t always take the time to look at the landscape while you are at it. You may make some breaks on the way, because you’re tired and you know that if you continue you won’t be able to make it. However, when you take a break there are always 2 risks: the first one is deciding you are comfortable there and you never continue your climb, the second one is you find other people who are also resting and they convince you it is not worth it, there is no need whatsoever to continue climbing.

For those who decide to continue this adventure, threats are far from over. There are some who will try to make you fall, some who will try to climb up quicker by stepping on your head or stealing your rope, some who fall and in a desperate act to hang on take grasp of you and you may both fall, there may be unexpected difficulties or you may not have enough rope.

If you are lucky, you may find another climber with whom to share your adventure. You always have to take into account how far you are prepared to climb and how much you are willing to risk. If you really enjoy your companion’s company you may decide to stop when he can’t climb any further.

But after all this effort, after all the pains and sacrifice you all put into the climb, the truth is still there, there will always be others that will go further up and there will always be a lot left to climb. The circle is never-ending, the climb is hazardous and hard.

So all I can say is… just enjoy the climb.

It’s been quite some while since I sat down to write, last year of my blooming law degree (I do love it but I’m just stressed out, that’s all…) have to think what I am going to do with myself (yes, I do want to become a full-time author but at the age of 22 and with only the first of The prophecy of the Shalforen published, plus I cannot live off mum & dad forever…  for now it’s going to have to be Plan B whilst not giving up plan A). Anyway, as my hair falls out under mad stress because of the MOOT and uni investigation project, I came to realize what I have always feared, I need to write, it is not a question of just liking it, it is a basic need, as basic or even more so than eating or sleeping.

Consequently (and even though I an abusing of my dear reader’s good will) from here hence I am starting a new section in the website, where each day or so I will throw another message in a bottle, hoping some other lonely soul will take pity and answer back.

If not, it’s always cheaper  than a shrink (hahaha) I wonder if Edgar Allan Poe had done this he would have not gone bonkers… well… he wouldn’t have written so many great stories so… arg! There we go, another internal debate… unless you also want to be driven into becoming seriously barmy I suggest you stop reading… because here it goes.